I promise to one day write about our home again...but I received many questions about what is the right thing to say or not say to someone struggling with infertility and since it is Infertility Awareness Week...I thought what the heck...I'll share some things. By the way, I am still trying to make my way through my inbox..life has just been crazy, as usual!
Personally, I think that on some days when I share our journey with someone...I don't really want to hear more unsolicited advice. Sometimes, I just need to hear "THAT SUCKS!" or "I'm SO sorry!" and get a hug. Really. You don't always have to say something, especially if you don't know what the appropriate thing to say might be or if you haven't been there before.
I should preface this by saying that this is my own personal collection of insensitive comments related to infertility struggles. I know many others in the same boat have been bothered by similar or worse comments.
1. You are so young! You are totally going to get pregnant! I'm 26, so I get this comment A LOT. This isn't about my age at all. I have a medical condition. Infertility IS a medical condition. Not to mention the list of diagnosis that contribute to infertility and affect me in many other ways.
2. RELAX! You are so stressed, take a vacation! Have a glass of wine! Enjoy life! Again, infertility is a medical condition. Stress is not causing my infertility, my emotions and feelings dealing with infertility have led to added stress in my life. While reducing the stress in my life would be a great thing overall, it will not solve my fertility issues.
3. You are TOTALLY going to get pregnant after you adopt! Or Why don't you just adopt? Then you'll get pregnant! I've been getting this comment SO much...I almost want to punch someone when they tell me this (just being honest). Here's the thing...adoption is NOT a solution to infertility. It's not a means to an end. It is not some second choice. You don't bring a child into your life so that it can fix your problems. Studies have shown over the years that while yes, some couples do become pregnant after adopting, the percentages are NOT any higher that couples who do not adopt.
4. Would you like to throw me a baby shower? Would you like to come to my baby shower? Nope. This has been hard for me to accept and deal with because I don't want my family/friends to feel like I don't love them or appreciate them or that I'm not happy for them. I am SO happy for all of them, but at the end of the day I am grieving...and it's HARD. A friend of mine recently said, "Someone wouldn't ask you to throw a birthday party for their husband or attend a birthday party for their husband if your husband had just died, right?" When she said that...it suddenly clicked and I stopped feeling guilty about it...grief is a hard thing and for me...it comes and goes...and a baby shower isn't going to help me.
5. Why can't you just be happy with the life God has given you? I'm not even going to go there.
6. Pregnancy is so hard! It sucks! I'm miserable! You're so lucky you're just adopting and don't have to go through any of this terrible physical stuff! Again, not going to go there.
7. Why did you decide to adopt instead of pursuing IVF? Pursuing one or the other is a VERY intimate decision...and not necessarily mutually exclusive.
8. Have you tried Crossfit? Have you changed your diet? Did you eliminate gluten? Have you tried Primal? Did you do yoga? Did you see a good acupuncturist? Did you or have you tried {BLANK}? I have tried a ridiculous amount of stuff that I honestly don't care to admit anymore...and while something may work for someone else it doesn't mean it will work for me.
9. You're so lucky you don't have any kids! You should take my kid home with you! No comment.
10. Just get over it and move on! If I could, I would. But...I can't. It's not that easy for me. For me, personally, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. Many people have many different dreams about their futures growing up. I did too. I dreamed of being an astronaut, a lawyer, a judge, a librarian, a teacher...but most of all...all I ever wanted to be someday was a wife and a mom. Call me ol' school. It's always been a dream of mine and when I met my husband that burning desire to become a mother became even stronger because I knew he'd be a great daddy someday. It's not easy to give up on such a big dream.
At the end of the day just remember that everyone has a different journey. There isn't some sort of universal rule about what is the right thing to say or what isn't. Remember that it's a sensitive topic and not an easy thing.
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Elsa- Thanks so much for posting this. I feel so much better after reading it. My husband and I were blessed with a beautiful little miracle girl almost five years ago, and have been trying for number two for four years now. Because we already have a child we get a lot of the "you already had one healthy baby, so you should have no trouble conceiving another" I really wish that was the case. After years of trying every little thing that could possibly help, I get so discouraged and am starting to come to terms with the fact that it just might not happen. Don't get me wrong, we do have a super awesome kiddo, and I wouldn't trade her for a baby any day, but it still breaks my heart that we can't grow our family. Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and heart break, and will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteImagine a REALLY BIG HUG coming from me!
ReplyDelete<3 Angie
Thank you Elsa for sharing this. I haven't really talked bout it on my blog so much but my husband and I are struggling with infertility as well and are coming up to a cross roads in terms of what path we want to take and its just tough all the way around! I laugh when I see some of your list because I just want to copy and paste them on to my blog and be like "STOP saying these things, they DON'T help!" I know people mean well when they say them but it is irritating for sure! I'll be saying prayers for you and your family :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post! And, very helpful to someone like me who hasn't been able to get preggo, yet isn't THAT sensitive about it as I feel like I'm happy either way, but then again, it wasn't my dream... it's helpful to really hear how various comments affect a person. I definitely could already see how most of these could be offensive. It's like when I was super sick and people would say, have a kid or get some more exercise. Those are great things, but they don't make me well... I know you have great intentions, but not helpful. Ended up being a thyroid issue and food allergies. I'm find now, but yeah... so frustrating. Anyway, thanks for this great post! Hope you are doing well.
ReplyDeleteThanks for such an honest post! I get these comments A LOT as well and no one seems to understand. People that say they do, have children. So technically, they dont! Seven yrs of negative tests can do a lot of damage, ya know?
ReplyDeleteAgain, I totally relate and sometimes, just want to stay in my happy bubble without pregnancy announcements, baby showers, babysitting, and the like..
Personally, I enjoy reading about your home but I also appreciate your honesty about this and your adoption journey. After two early miscarriages, one of the worst comments I heard was "well it wasn't even really a baby yet". Seriously you really just said that to me? I am glad you are blogging about it - blogging seemed to help me cope a bit with the pain. It was therapeutic and way easier than telling people in person. Half the time, I didn't want people to say anything. I just wanted them to know. I am uncertain about which path will lead us to parenthood but I pray that you and I will each make it there someday.
ReplyDeleteI've been a long time reader, first time commenter. I completely understand where you're coming from and I think it's great for you to get this out in the open. Some people honestly try to come up with something to say in response to sensitive issues and end up being incredibly insulting. I actually just recently wrote a similar blog post, I very maturely named it "Some People Suck" you can read it here http://bit.ly/JJMxlS if interested. I am currently dealing with my son's multiple developmental delays and I receive the most insensitive comments. My favorite of course is something along the lines of "You're so lucky he doesn't talk, mine won't shut up". Meanwhile I would kill just to hear him say "Mommy".
ReplyDeleteI have 2 children that God has blessed me with and they are my favorite people in the whole world. So reading about your struggle of infertility breaks my heart. I can't imagine what you're going through and can only hope and pray that eventually, somehow things will work out for you. Whether it's through adoption or other means. Keep chuggin and cling to those that love and support you. They'll be the ones that will help you get through no matter how long or short your journey. Best of luck. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteElsa, I whole heartly agree with all your points. My husband and I were struggling to become pregnant for 4 years. After one miscarriage I finally got pregnant and am now in week 32. Now I get to hear: "Enjoy your last movies together" or "Enjoy your last quiet moments together" and so on and these make me soo angry! Most of it comes from my sister-in-laws who have gotten pregnant after 5 or 9 months of trying. We have had 5 years together, have seen many movies and have travelled a lot and while they had their bundle of joys we were longing for the non-quiet moments and sleepless nights. It is also now the same with everybody telling me that labor is so painful, etc and I am only thinking: Stop telling me your horror stories, let me just experience this on my own.
ReplyDeleteI also remember my sister-in-law saying when she was pregnant with their first and we had been trying for a year: "But we have been married longer, you have not been married for so long".. What difference does this make?
Elsa, I understand what you are going through and - it sucks, really. I guess sometimes it is easier and sometimes harder. At least it was the case for me. I was thankful that I was able to help my sister-in-laws with their newborns as I have learned so much. But it hurt and made me long much more at times.
I sincerely hope that your adoption goes through fast and that you will be able to enjoy the sleepless nights, and non-movie evenings very soon :)
Many hugs from the other side of the world,
Senja